Jayden McCross

Useless detail

2005-05-25T12:13:18Z

All things considered in life, for every up there is also more then likely a down that is following it. Sometimes I find myself wishing that I still had controll over my words and thoughts. It just seems as though everything I say is just reiterating upon last years total lack of imagination and horrible line after line of broken syntax. Is it true that I never really finish anything I start? My attention span seems to only pick up on useless detail these days. My thoughts returning over and over to things that mean little or nothing in the scheme of any given day. Ive probly heard it a thousand times.. about people saying that they need a vacation or some time to clear their minds. Imagine this if you will.. What if no matter what you tried, and no matter where you went, your mind stayed just as clouded and unproductive as anywhere else? Its as if all those times that I kept repeating to myself about not caring were really true. Do you want to know what I hear every day and night before I fall into a fitfull half-sleep? "What are you going to do with your life?" Over, and over and over.. untill I just squeeze my eyes closed and clench my teeth, grinding them in an attempt to block out the noise. What do I want to do with my life? I just want to be left alone.. I really don't want anything. Im not a remarkable person, and I don't need to be complimented on a momentary basis. I just know how I like to live my life. I just wish people realized how bad I feel when they write off how I am as just being in a rut, or a phase of my life. Its not a phase, believe me.. I know myself better then anyone else does. Another thing to consider.. imagine having a terminal lack of energy from the time you wake up to the time you lay down, and then being so tired that you can't even fall asleep till mid-morning. I used to want to be so many things.. a writer, of poetry perhaps.. or maybe fantasy, since Ive always gravitated to such literature. I even wanted to be an artist, photography or painting.. but the maddening reality of the matter is this. I have no artist talent what so ever, and I hate feeling like I have to prove myself to someone. I think that acceptance is an awful thing, and even those who say they don't care strive for it daily. Maybe thats the real reason why I don't continue to persure a career along those lines, perhaps because I am affraid of critique. On top of the whole "What are you gonna do with your life" question and my failing health, I sit and worry that Im just ruining any relationship I come in contact with. Saying and doing all the wrong things even though I mean well. Its as if I should just give up because in the end its just going to end painfully. Its been such a long time now, and Ive really been trying to be better.. if not just emotionally, but in the long run, nothing has changed and it probly never will. Such is life I guess.. though things could always be worse.

Strange days..

2005-05-21T12:41:21Z

Here I am again.. at 5am, with little more then your voice echoing inside my mind. It seems to me that life has taken yet another unforseen change that has turned my world upside-down. In some ways I understand people and what motivate them much more deeply then I could ever hope to, though in other ways I feel as though I am lost in a sea of overwhelming despair. You would think that knowing what to say at any given moment would bring some solace to a wounded heart.. but alas, the words that issue forth feel so hollow and without feeling untill you came into my life. I am not the easiest person to deal with, of that I am most certain, but it takes a companion of true strength and character to help me through even my darkest of hours. I am greatful, yet scared.. I find myself not knowing what to say anymore. The words that came so easily just don't seem good enough for you. I find that with each passing day I crave your affection and attention increasingly. The only way I could ever even dream of explaining it is by saying this.. Your song whispers to me as I sleep, and your laughter fills the emptiness.. thank you for letting me be who I am, and not trying to fix what is broken.

...

2005-04-13T14:15:10Z

If I let out that scream that I hold so deep inside, and this reality fragmented and shattered..as the dust clears and existence fades.. where would I go from there?

One more night..

2005-04-13T10:19:55Z

Its just another night.. another night.. another night.. another fucking night.. decaying, my mind searches for a reason to even bother caring.. what little I had is dwindling.. what little I feel is increasingly awful.. this hole is deeper then the darkest pitch.. not even my insomniatic laughter echoes anymore.. why.. this conversation that I continue to have with myself.. the disgusting prose of a thinning line between here and not.. the maddening conclusion of it all is a fragmented perception, the weary look of shadowed eyes, and one more night of consideration..

Trivial things..

2005-04-12T11:24:50Z

As the lights behind me continue to bathe the floor in a rainbow of luminesence, and the thrumming beat of blood flows through my veins, I sit back and wonder to myself.. who am I.. who was I.. and who do I hope to be? My nerves begin to seize up upon themselves as the internal rubberband of my mind grows tighter .. tighter.. breath caught in my lungs.. fingertips tapping.. the urge to flee growing stronger still, yet making little sense.. I barely know myself.. how could I ever hope to know anyone else.. why would I devote the time to such trivial things when I can't even handle my own emotions.. its as if I like to put myself in uncomfortable positions.. delight in the fact that I can scare myself so deliberately and easily.. I think Im sick.. I just don't think there is a cure for what I have..

Deal with it later..

2005-04-10T10:51:15Z

Monotony continues to bare down upon me as the days pass and moments grow longer.. what am I to do.. what am I NOT to do.. the throughts run through my head over and over about what Ive been doing with my life and what should be done to change where I am currently at.. Its always so dark when I awaken.. no matter how bright the sun shines above, its as if there is a shadow that has cast its dark presence upon my mind and won't let up no matter where I sleep.. I figure a few more days at home and some quiet moments to think might do me some good.. that or drive me completely to binge drinking monday through thursday so I don't have to remember what personal notions my mind finally surrendered. The problems of others seem so trivial compared to your own.. though in essence there is no measurement when it comes to pain or angst. Sometimes I just think its easier for me to just push it all down and deal with it later, when Im not around others.. or I will just have another repeat of my drunken wednesday. Time is one thing you cannot stop.. its secrets whisper in your dreams and the winds of change caress and wear away at your spirit.. the only advice I can give is to put your head down, walk shoulder into the wind and remember where you came from.. it will get you through.

For the better or the worse..

2005-04-08T14:37:35Z

I did absolutely nothing yesterday.. surprisingly enough though, Im still tired as all hell. Most would say that I overslept but thats really not the case..Im thinking that now is time for a change.. perhaps a change for the better or the worse. Decided I was gonna limit my going out to the bar to two nights a week max unless something special is going on.. I no longer smoke while Im at home and generally try to drink just water or milk, neglecting to have things like coffee, cola, etc. So far its partially working, the smoking part isn't so hard as the caffeine part.. I can't stand this serious lack of energy. Perhaps Im in a rut.. hah.. story of my life.. or maybe Im just extremely bored and need to find something to occupy all my new free time I have.. (Ive been reading alot lately, which is always a good thing..) I just need to find something that piques my interest.. I stopped playing all online games in general so that also freed up alot of time.. as of now Im at a loss. So.. I guess the question is... who wants to entertain me and help me maintain my meager sanity?

A lack of..

2005-04-07T10:39:15Z

Another night, another pack of ciggarettes and a worn out feeling.. tonight the bar was seriously busy, sadly it was with all the wrong people.. it felt really odd. Yesterday was a long night as well.. I got pretty tanked and I don't remember most of it. I figure it probly wasn't worth remembering anyway. More then anything I just feel really blah.. its not a terrible feeling but a lack of.. Im sick of going out alone though, I know that for sure. While I know pretty much the entire bar, it feels kinda bad not to leave with someone I actually want to spend time with.. hard to explain I guess. Thing is.. if I did have someone like that then I don't think Id be nearly as comfortable out with other people.. its just a pain in the ass either way in my mind. Anyway I guess I will just sit here and listen to some music and hope that I will actually get some decent sleep tonight.. last night I kept waking up over and over.. I just felt uneasy for some reason. So.. who wants to tell me a secret? (I collect secrets.. tell me yours?)

Mental Floodgates

2005-04-05T08:33:42Z

The air remains so still, and yet my thoughts continue to flow as the mental floodgates break way.. are all the problems that we face just trials.. or are they cruel tricks of someone standing above us laughing every time we fall. Someone once told me that angels are only beautiful once they have fallen.. and now I am beginning to understand. I sometimes think to myself about people who travel with light hearts, and what it must be like.. I also wonder why those same people make me so angry every time I meet them. Is it because I am jealous.. or perhaps the fact that I just wish I knew what they were thinking and how they came to where they were that very day.. I just wish I could be normal for once. Those moments, few and far between when I can still my mind and just be are the most important times of my life.. If only I could figure out where they came from, and hold onto that with a white-knuckled grip, then maybe things would begin to get better. The more I think about it this morning, the more it stresses me out.. today is another day just like any other, and the only thing keeping it from being completely remarkable is me. Perhaps in another life things made alot more sense to me, though I doubt that any of it filtered over to where I stand tonight. One can always hope though, that in dreams we will find the answers, and when the morning breaks waking will be worthwhile..

So here I am..

2005-04-05T06:36:32Z

Its been so long.. and life has changed in many imeasurable ways. The nagging fears and social phobias still plague me as I write this, though going out alot more often is helping.. hopefully. Ive had alot of free time, though most of it is spent finding numerous ways to not think about how I am feeling at any given moment.. its as if I just don't have the energy to confront the things that are bothering me anymore and instead look for anything at all that will sway my attentions. In other news, Im still as completely fucked up as I was 5 years ago. While reading back through my journal from start to finish, some three hundred odd entries, I began to understand that maybe it wasn't just a mood or a phase that I was going through, transitions and such can be tiresome on their own, but the fact that this is how I am as a person. Generally just lacking the ability to be happy for any extended period of time. Anyway, all dramatic self-diagnosis aside, Im sure that Im just your basic screw ball and thats fine with me. I guess theres a difference between being messed up and then being messed up and secure with it. Im both and neither.. which I guess really makes little sense. Though that IS one thing Im alright with. I will come back later and write some more.. I still have alot on my mind.

Just nerves and slight depression..

2004-09-24T12:53:11Z

Feeling slightly better.. I guess we all just have days or weeks like that.. Ive neglected to go out the past few days and Im wondering if thats a good or bad thing.. Id hate to get all anti-social again especially since Ive only been here a month.. on the job front.. mine is non-existent.. looking but haven't been able to pull anything down which is slightly depressing.. luckily I don't have any real nagging bills at the moment. In other news, I was summoned for jury duty in king county.. I was pretty upset and annoyed when I heard that, especially since it was supposed to be held at 8am in downtown Seattle.. luckily I found out that Im exempt because I now live in Kitsap county. (First time anyone has ever been happy that they lived in Bremerton..) Haven't been doing much at all lately.. been sick off and on, and I mean really sick.. though I think its just nerves and slight depression, nothing a few days home won't cure.. On another note Im thinking of redesigning my website, just haven't gotten up enough nerve to do it yet, its been the same design for so long, that Id hate to make a new one that looks awful.. plan on removing pretty much all of the artwork and just sticking to writing this time around, so hopefully that gets off the ground and is a good experience.. hopefully everyone else is doing ok.. will update when I can..

When no one else will..

2004-09-22T11:58:26Z

..if angels aren't supposed to cry, why do I feel your emptiness every time I close my eyes.. the wonder in your heart ceases to exist, and the world becomes colder still.. I never meant for you to suffer the burden of me.. or to know failure at the loss of my hope.. and even though you cannot hear me.. I am eternally greatful to you.. and sorry we ever met.. move on to the dreams of others, live aspirations fueling the light inside.. all I ask, though I have no right.. is that you remember me, when no one else will.

When is it time..

2004-09-22T11:46:28Z

Ive not written in a long while.. things have changed alot in my life.. some for the better, though most for the worse. I'm still the same old me, balking at every chance I get to make my life into something other then just another day where I sleep in till 5pm. About a month ago I moved in with my brother in Bremerton.. things here aren't so bad, the people are fairly nice and there is little pressure or demand on me other then people wanting me to have a good time.. though that doesn't change the fact that I feel like I went from doing little to nothing (working 3 - 4 days a week, a few hours a night) to doing pretty much nothing but going out to the bar. Im not sure why I even bother going to the bar.. its not like any of these people are really my friends or anything, its one of those "oh, you're so and so's brother huh," and it pretty much ends where it begins. Ive tried to fit in, drink a little, sing a little.. my nerves just continue to be shot as they've always been. Yet every single night I say to myself, "Im never going out again.." just to get up and do it all over again. I really hate how alone I feel, though its even worse when you are completely alone in a huge place full of people who know your name. Every time I think about anyone how has, or have had faith in me in the past I just feel utterly awful. I pretty much am straight forward with people nowadays, I mean, if Im a loser people should pretty much know it. I just wish I could be like everyone else.. and not worry so much, and always be so edgy whenever Im around others. I don't need medication.. I just need another drink.. the story of my life..

#&!%#!

2004-02-29T07:09:27Z

APPARENTLY EVERY THING I ASK IS COMPLETELY FUCKING UNREASONABLE. APPARENTLY WHAT I THINK AND WHAT I FEEL ON CERTAIN MATTER MEANS NOTHING. I AM SICK TO DEATH OF BEING TOLD THAT WHAT I THINK DOESN'T MATTER. EVERYTHING I ASK IS ASKING JUST A BIT TOO MUCH. APPARENTLY I JUST DON'T FIT INTO THE FUCKING SCHEME OF THINGS AND THE BACKLASH I RECIEVE JUST REITERATES THAT THEORY. WHEN I ASK FAVORS I AM TRYING TO RUN SOMEONES LIFE. WHEN SOMEONE ELSE ASKS FAVORS, WELL ITS JUST THAT.. A FUCKING FAVOR. UTTER BULLSHIT.. JUST ONE MORE SIMPLE THING I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO COMPREHEND. WHY DOESN'T SHE JUST LISTEN TO ME.

Distance..

2004-02-20T06:55:02Z

I hate solitude.. though sadly in retrospect I generally hate people as well. Nothing deep or brooding about it, just simple fact. Sometimes I think its not the matter of what happens that makes me feel this way, but perhaps the lack of things happening. Its been stated more times then I can count, I do not possess the ability to deal with changes.. its just not in my nature.. change reaches into the very center of my being and holds it in a smothering, icy grip until it flickers like a candle in the wind. I wonder about a lot of things.. most of which don't make any logical sense.. and I ponder the meaning of happiness and life itself. How can someone be so utterly unhappy with their life yet deathly fear any change what so ever? Sometimes I think that maybe subconsciously I will always want to be unhappy.. and that no matter what happens I will always wake up the next day feeling slightly more tired and faded. It sorta reminds me of all those books I read about people that don't belong in the world they were born into, so they could never quite comprehend the rules or what was expected of them. I used to want to be an artist, though even that passed with time. I wrote to maintain what energy I had.. and though I expected my readers to understand, I now realize that it was impossible. Sometimes I wonder why its wrong to not care.. I guess if you look into the theory of the pond.. meaning that as we are stones cast into this world, we all leave a ripple no matter the size.. though the question remains,... do not all things return to the source in the end? I love.. I know what love is.. though it seems that sometimes my mind cannot comprehend how others feel love.. it just seems that everyone I need to have around me just can't find the time.. though in my mind I wonder what the point would be anyway.. I start so many side-projects and whatnot just hoping I could interest a few people in spending some time together but it usually crashes and falls through before it even begins.. Im changing.. or maybe its just a passing mood.. I just don't understand why I want so many people around me when I can't stand people as a whole. Though when I think about it, if I never really did belong here.. Im glad to have met the few people I do know and care about even if I can't always understand them. Imagine anxiety.. imagine anxiety without anyone around.. that's almost fifty percent of who I am.. or how I feel. I only wish I knew what happened to me.. if I could only isolate the incident that made me this way then maybe I could get better and be normal.. though Im not sure I would be content with the answer if I found it. Sometimes I feel like all the people I know in the world hate me.. its true.. not just a quick blast of self-loathing or anything so matter of fact.. perhaps I do things on purpose without realizing it just to make them act that way towards me.. I think its that fact that Ive always felt so utterly alone that if anyone tries to know me it sets off alarms and the perimeter walls come up faster then an electric shock. I used to wish I could find people who could "understand".. I've decided that's not what I want anymore. Right now, at this point in my life Im just looking for someone who will be there, I don't want to explain anything.. and I don't want to "talk about it" I just want them there. Sadly.. its not that simple and the ones I want around me are the ones who are the busiest. They aren't greedy.. they don't do it out of spite.. they do it to better themselves and those around them.. I only wish I had an ounce of drive that they possessed. Though it seems that all I think about and all I start matters little to anyone but myself.. and even that is little solace on its own. Its been a very long time since Ive written anything.. and in all truth I really don't plan on making it a tread either.. I just feel like Im drowning sometimes and the only thing I hear is the echo of my own screaming.. It just seems that what I want is so simple.. yet getting it to happen is less likely then the world changing direction. Everyone so close... yet distant to me as the dead.

My life..

2003-09-28T08:37:51Z

Its been such a long time since I've posted.. though strangely enough I find myself reading my own journal more and more.. I never realized how evident it was when I was having rough times in my life as numerous as they were.. I guess some people, in an attempt to be cryptic and poetic sit themselves out on a table like an open book.. Now I'm not claiming that everything in my life is wonderful, or that I can put down the things from my past that haunt me.. but I can begin to say that as of lately I've been doing better in not worrying so much about the things in my life that I cannot change. Its strange, to have such a boring, depressing life where everything is the same day-in and day-out to the point where you wish you could just do anything to change it.. though when you finally do move on to change, you find that some of the things you found yourself enjoying have somehow been tossed along the wayside. I am an artist, I excel in no certain media though I prefer writing above all else.. its been such a long time since I've sat down and gathered my thoughts to actually write anything worthwhile.. hopefully now that I realize this, things will change in the very near future. I really miss writing.

If only she could know..

2003-08-11T01:43:27Z

She no longer dreams in colors, and all the flowers fade,
Increasingly destructive, with every new choice made,
If only she could know, that others feel her pain,
Perhaps she'd walk unburdened, no longer in the rain.

...

2003-07-07T16:30:02Z

This morning.. staring vacantly out the window.. as the world passes by.. he wonders to himself.. why can't I be happy.. do I know what it is.. would it matter if I did.. whats the difference between sleeping and dying.. why do I sleep just to wake up more tired.. why have the words stopped coming to me.. why do I feel so overly alone, even while surrounded by people who care.. why does it matter less every day.. am I committing suicide and not realizing it?

Blah.. boring..

2003-06-26T09:31:35Z

Workin on my website again.. slightly new flash intro.. also animated the "Writing" menu when you click it.. it takes to fucking long to remodel.. I don't plan on being done any time soon..

One of darkness..

2003-06-17T07:29:00Z

"I will not follow your false god of hate. he has poisoned your minds, causing you to walk in eternal darkness.."

Thus was born.. one of darkness.. exiled to walk in the light..

Tossing in his sleep.. the past still echoes, burned into his mind..

"You dare to forsake the way of your people..", the Councilman asked with dark, foreboding eyes. "I am sure you know the penalty of heresy young initiate." The young Teir`Dal straightened, meeting the eyes of his accuser with a challenging gaze. "Yes, Master T`Zarin, I am well aware of my punishment.. though you must kno-" "Enough!", interrupts T`Zarin, slamming his fist upon the table, causing an echo throughout the great hall. "I will hear no more of your treason!" Angered, the young Teir`Dal steps forward approaching the council, hands clenched in rage. "But you must listen! You are all lost! Innorruk has tainted this council!" Less then a moment passed since those words left his lips, though he already regretted it. Pain.. utter pain.. white hot light.. searing his soul, tearing at his very exsistence.. then there was darkness, and the world was quiet other than the words.. "Innoruuk is your Master.. tomorrow you die.. then you will answer to him."

Crying out in the pitch of night, dreams still enfolding his vision like a gauzion veil, the wizend old mage slowly sits up wiping the sweat from his brow. Another night of fitful rest.. another night alone. Craning his neck, to look upon the starry night sky he silently wonders.. Is the strenghth of Individuality enough to save an entire race.

( A bit of my mages RP past from EQ.. he actually has a very interesting and indepth story. Hopefully this interested someone. )

jayden @ 2003-05-06T06:04:00

2003-05-06T13:04:27Z

I can't believe what I just read on someones journal.. perhaps its better to not read my friends list anymore.. I am so upset/hurt/pissed off/etc right now.. words could never express it..

...

2003-05-06T12:56:29Z

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2003-05-02T09:12:21Z

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2003-04-03T08:10:05Z

More poser art, mixed with Bryce background and edited in photoshop.. I sorta got lazy and it shows.

...

2003-03-31T16:16:24Z

I've had an incredibly lousy day.. and its only 8:13am.. please kill me.. I can't believe how awful I feel.. all the weeks ahead also look the same.. drown me in darkness.. please forget..