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All things considered in life, for every up there is also more then likely a down that is following it. Sometimes I find myself wishing that I still had controll over my words and thoughts. It just seems as though everything I say is just reiterating upon last years total lack of imagination and horrible line after line of broken syntax. Is it true that I never really finish anything I start? My attention span seems to only pick up on useless detail these days. My thoughts returning over and over to things that mean little or nothing in the scheme of any given day. Ive probly heard it a thousand times.. about people saying that they need a vacation or some time to clear their minds. Imagine this if you will.. What if no matter what you tried, and no matter where you went, your mind stayed just as clouded and unproductive as anywhere else? Its as if all those times that I kept repeating to myself about not caring were really true. Do you want to know what I hear every day and night before I fall into a fitfull half-sleep? "What are you going to do with your life?" Over, and over and over.. untill I just squeeze my eyes closed and clench my teeth, grinding them in an attempt to block out the noise. What do I want to do with my life? I just want to be left alone.. I really don't want anything. Im not a remarkable person, and I don't need to be complimented on a momentary basis. I just know how I like to live my life. I just wish people realized how bad I feel when they write off how I am as just being in a rut, or a phase of my life. Its not a phase, believe me.. I know myself better then anyone else does. Another thing to consider.. imagine having a terminal lack of energy from the time you wake up to the time you lay down, and then being so tired that you can't even fall asleep till mid-morning. I used to want to be so many things.. a writer, of poetry perhaps.. or maybe fantasy, since Ive always gravitated to such literature. I even wanted to be an artist, photography or painting.. but the maddening reality of the matter is this. I have no artist talent what so ever, and I hate feeling like I have to prove myself to someone. I think that acceptance is an awful thing, and even those who say they don't care strive for it daily. Maybe thats the real reason why I don't continue to persure a career along those lines, perhaps because I am affraid of critique. On top of the whole "What are you gonna do with your life" question and my failing health, I sit and worry that Im just ruining any relationship I come in contact with. Saying and doing all the wrong things even though I mean well. Its as if I should just give up because in the end its just going to end painfully. Its been such a long time now, and Ive really been trying to be better.. if not just emotionally, but in the long run, nothing has changed and it probly never will. Such is life I guess.. though things could always be worse.
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